Live blogging Chinese commentating of the second half of Super Bowl XLVI

We're on Beijing TV this morning. Apparently the AC Mila-Lazio rerun is more important to the country's national station's sports channel, CCTV-5.

3rd quarter: When Eli Manning lofts a pass to the sideline and sees Hakeem Nicks get drilled out of bounds (and drop the ball), the commentator -- after the third time watching the replay -- groans and feels the need to inform the audience, "That's a legitimate defensive maneuver."

The kick goes up and he says, "No problem with it." It skims the upright. Patriots 17-12.

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Commentator explaining some inane shit. We're in commercial, but no commercials here. Usually a blessing, but not today.

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The literal translation for "sack" involves the two characters for "capture" and "murder/kill." 擒杀 (qinsha). Tom Brady was captured and killed. Giants ball.

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2:21: "The ball... oh, that's his helmet that came off."

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Commentator tells us how the small city of Indianapolis has been fully co-opted by the Super Bowl. He says a couple of days ago, when the NBA's Orlando Magic came to town, the team was surprised to discover all the hotels were booked -- and, I assume, immediately fired the person in charge of booking hotels. The players went four hours away to stay the night in Cincinnati.

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"It looks like they don't plan on snapping, perhaps will just let the clock run out on the third quarter." Ball gets snapped. "Mnnnh?"

END OF THIRD QUARTER.

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No American commercials here, so I'm stuck watching the same five ads on loop. I'll rank them:

Kisses (mercifully short)

NESCAFE (because I like coffee)

V.S.O.P. Hennessy (some rock star)

Dove

Galaxy (I hate -- HATE -- the sound that cell phones make on vibrate when someone gets a text message)

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Bad throw, Brady. Bad body positioning, Gronk. Commentator chooses not to point it out. Have I mentioned that he's working solo? Trust me, this isn't a critique.

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I like his call for a fumble. "The ball is out!" Giants recover.

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MORE COMMERCIALS

CNSports Interactive (Media Holding Company)

Hennessy V.S.O.P.

Dove (female lead trying to act more attractive than she really is)

Galaxy (this commercial makes me think MY phone is buzzing)

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Commentator is VERY excited to point out, mid-play, the "yellow flag" come out. Also, he just pointed out the ages of the two head coaches, without saying who is what age.

3rd and 2, 13:18 left in game: "Straight pass, calmly gets it to Hicks." Some stats cited to show how "clutch" Manning is.

I also like that the term for clutch -- or rather, referring to the final, or pivotal, moments of a contest -- is translated literally as "final/ultimate kill/murder" (决杀 juesha). It's a term apparently first used by well-known sports commentator Huang Jianxiang.

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You can tell what information the commentator was given and has in front of him. Heights and weights. Yeah, he's all over that. I now know how much Jake Ballard and Danny Woodhead weigh in kilograms. No, you don't need to know.

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Here we go! Eli Manning and the New York Giants' offense, 3:46 to go in the 4th quarter... commentator here makes the common mistake of using the quarterback as synecdoche for the entire team. But he's not the worst I've heard this morning. Holy shit you should've seen the Star Sports analysts sucking Brady's cock after the Pats scored to open the second half. (I was streaming online, have since stopped.) This Chinese commentator is better.

Points out Mario Manningham's "beautiful" catch as we watch, for the upteenth time, replay of his sideline grab.

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Commentator points out that a field goal would give the Giants the lead, since they're only down 2.

We see a shot of Lawrence Tynes holding a football on the sideline. "Most of the league's kickers were born in the '70s. It's all about experience."

COMMERCIAL TIME.

Hennessy again. It's not a rock star, as I said earlier -- it's a producer who's the lead, I think.

Here's the Dove chocolate commercial, where a woman tosses back her silky black hair on an empty bus and then a young man comes on. I really hope that dude walks right past her.

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I had a dream this morning that the Patriots were winning by the score of like 55-45. Don't ask why.

1:09: Nicks grab makes it 1st and goal. "The Giants offense has been very effective today." Commentator points out that Brady is powerless on the sideline. Brady, powerless? GET OUT.

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Unless I heard wrong, the commentator just said that the game has been put away. But ah, the Pats wanted the Giants to score, and Ahmad Bradshaw, like a sucker, fell for it. BRADY IS NOT POWERLESS AFTER ALL!

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"Let's see if Brady can play hero."

Not with two straight drops. So, um, what's this about quarterbacks being synecdoche for the rest of the team?

With 17 seconds left, commentator says Pats called timeout. I don't think he understands the concept of a spike.

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Commentator has no idea how the NFL clock work. He says as long as the ball is out of the quarterback's hand, it'll still count... but implies that it has to be released from the quarterback's hand.

Anyway, hail mary came officially close. Players have no room to celebrate. Too much media and other shitty people.

Well, that was your Super Bowl 46. It was pleasant to watch a simple game without the surrounding hype. Merciful, you could say.

I could've used American commercials though. Holy shit I'm never eating Dove again.