In defense of Fang Binxing, father of the Great Firewall

Backdated on January 12, 2011 ... thought I'd posted this earlier. Please reference this article for background.

It is this humble columnist's opinion that Fang Binxing (方滨兴), a.k.a. father of the Great Firewall, is not a poor excuse for a man who rides a mud horse. The only thing "poor" there is the metaphor. He is most certainly higher than a skunk in the pecking order of carbon-based lifeforms on Earth, and I would suspect he's higher than most other animals too. I disagree with the opinion that he is a running dog of the government. Fang Binxing doesn't need to run: he has an Audi and at least four other cars.

I do not think it is civil to throw bricks at Fang Binxing, as you can cause him bodily harm and maybe cause an aneurysm. And why all the interest in his family? Fang Binxing doesn't even have a sister, as far as I can tell.

Just to clear up some confusion: Brother Fang is a healthy civil servant of the country, and as such he will not die for at least 40 or 50 years. Also, my source tells me Fang Binxing is "more than likely" not a eunuch.

Fang Binxing's mother is a kind, gently woman who instilled in her son the double-happy spirit of the revolution and capitalism. Fang Binxing will not be going to Hell, because that is a Judeo-Christian contrivance to keep disobedient Western urchins and tykes in check. Chinese schoolkids need no such chicanery to be model citizens.

I am shocked that people would say Fang Binxing spent his life "extracting filth." I've seen him in wingtips, and how could he possibly wear those if he does the work of peasants?

Fang Binxing's son, should he have one, probably has a penis. His daughter has a vagina, trust me on that!

Frankly, I think the implication that Fang Binxing is infertile is not based off any hard evidence whatsoever.

Fang Binxing is no enemy of humankind. I do agree with one thing though -- he is a very courageous man. He is a true inspiration and hero who deserves every pay raise he has ever received, and that free trip to Sanya, Hainan province, and those 1,868-dollar bottles of Moutai, and, you know, those apartments.

Fang Binxing, can I speak to you for a moment as a friend? You are certainly not a walking heap of gelatinous shit, and anyone who thinks so, frankly, has very little mind for basic biology. You are not a monster with a duck chin. I don't even know what that means. You are an un-ugly man with a warm heart and kindnesses that is a blessing to all the world. We are lucky that you were born, and I thank your mother, I thank your father, and I thank this magnanimous country for making you possible!