Wednesday, December 29, 2010

A bit of good news about traffic

Okay, so you know by now that I'm bitter when it comes to Beijing's traffic. It's rare that you look Stupidity straight in the face and get bitch slapped and find yourself unable to do anything about it except say a few expletives or post a few blogs. And you get slapped again and spat on and then, in a move so brazen that you're almost shocked into submission, Stupidity slides off its pants and shits in your mouth. It's not a clean shit, either: there's dribble on your chin, and bacteria's now crawling all up in your eyeball, and it doesn't take a goddam astrologist to discern all shapes and sizes of runny brown constellations on your cheek. And Stupidity only laughs and goes straight to the bank to cash in its million-dollar check. Fucking Stupidity. I hate that guy.

So... car buyers in the city are stupid. Sorry, fellas who need a car to get a girlfriend because you're social eunuchs, but it's true. I'm not talking to you specifically, but you're stupid. And maybe not all the 4.7 million car owners and 6.2 million registered drivers in the city are stupid, but they're pretty stupid. You've all shat in our mouths once too often, and it's about time you get your comeuppance. Now, the following isn't exactly the same as ripping off all your clothes and locking you in a refrigerator, and frankly I want to drown you in urine, but this is long overdue:

Beijing Thursday announced an annual cap on new automobile registration, starting next year, as part of a tough set of measures to tackle the city's notorious traffic gridlock, setting off a last-minute, car-buying spree last night.

I'm going to pretend I didn't read that last part. Victory for sanity! For reason! The Enlightenment, 210-or-so years later, wins!

Global Times article continues:

The city will license only 240,000 new vehicles next year, and buyers of new cars will have to apply for license plates by means of a lottery, the Beijing Municipal Commission of Transport (BMCT) said at a press briefing Thursday.

Oh my fucking lord, I just came.

Parking times inside the 5th Ring Road will be charged per 15 minutes rather than per 30 minutes, while parking fees in the city will be from 2 yuan to 10 yuan per hour.

This is just too much ! Am bookmarking now because, like long pornos, this deserves to be savored. Although everyone knows nobody can make it through a 10-minute porno; just give me the first three minutes and last 30 seconds, and the rest I'll look at when I'm dead.

Su Hui, a senior auto market analyst with the China Automobile Dealers Association, said the new policy will deal a huge blow to the auto industry and reduce the sales volume in Beijing by more than 70 percent next year.

"Huge blow."

"About 20,000 auto agents and employees, half of the total in the city, will be forced to find new jobs. What's more, the Beijing model is likely to be followed in other cities, thus bringing destructive damage to the auto industry," he said.

Hang on a second, I need to go unclog my toilet...

I'd go on, but my excitement prevents me.

So, here, Stupidity, here is what you no longer get: you no longer get compensated for not driving, you spoiled anal-retentive leeches; you no longer get tax breaks for driving small-engine cars, you son of a whore -- a small-engine car is to fuel efficiency what self-castration is for population control; you no longer get to cry about not being able to find a 200,000-yuan SUV... god, I don't even know what to call you... JUST DIE; you no longer get vaguely worded government edicts that deserve to be skull-fucked, like the 12th Five-Year Plan suggesting residents "live close to where they work to ease congestion."

You get to ride a bike. Or whine to your friends about how life's so unfair to your daintiness and modern sensibilities. You probably go home and make your Pekingese give it to you from behind, don't you.

Oh, and you, Auto Industry: you, by the wrath of all that is unholy, be devastated like the wet mitten of a pussy you are. You will be more devastated than that time [censored][censored][censored]. I will fucking [censored] grandmother [censored][censored]. Enjoy your fucking tears, you elephant ball of shit.


Syz said...

Hilarious writeup -- I almost chortled coffee on my desk. But don't you think the exceptions will fill in the gaps of any "progress"? I envision nothing more than an increase in the proportion of military to civilian vehicles inside the fifth ring...

The Tao said...

*sigh* Am counting on it, actually. It'll be fun to see what creative workarounds people come up with though.