Saturday, January 21, 2012

Cantonese is the most annoying sound in the world. Apologies to Cantonese people

Bengali white tiger cubs [International Business Times]

Puerile shit: This video's been making its rounds. Quick background: mainland bitch eats on subway, Hong Kong bitch be like, "Hey, no eating on subway," then official subway shows up to mediate. Whatever. It's stupid, inconsequential, and stupid. But after watching, I do want to say: HOLY SHIT does Cantonese suck. I'm sure the people are first-rate and all, but how can anyone trust human beings who have acclimated to such vulgar racket as the spoken Cantonese word? Are we sure Hong Kongers aren't a subspecies evolving into Gears of War-like Grubs? I've noted before that Cantonese sounds worse than "leather-clad S&M kooks with mohawks descending upon elderly women with chain-saws," but let me amend. Cantonese is a geyser of head-on car crashes. It is the incendiary bomb of our ear canals. Hong Kong's poets could start a world war by publishing a podcast. It's naaaasty, like Big Nasty Kevin Nash nasty if you happened to picture him romantically sexing a seal elephant. If someone used a Cantonese accent to tell me to stop eating when I was hungry, I'd probably flip my shit as well. You literally could not attach ten thousand vuvuzelas end to end next to a speaker spewing microphone feedback at a Nickelback concert attended by braying donkeys and produce a series of sounds worse than a Cantonese sentence. Hey, wanna hear the most annoying sound in the world? Go to Hong Kong.

Actually, Superflak Liu Weimin of the Foreign Ministry might be more annoying than Cantonese. He commented on Christian Bale like the Superflak he is. Now he's at it in reply to Gary Locke: "As for some individuals that have been punished by law, I don't think it means their freedom of speech or religion is suppressed, but because they violated Chinese laws." I don't wish for your death, Liu Weimin, I really don't. I am simply saddened by your existence. [Global Times]

Taiwanese film -- not mainland Chinese -- gets shortlisted for Oscar. Out: The Flowers of War. In: Warriors of the Rainbow: Seediq Bale (賽德克‧巴萊). I said in my Flowers review that it had no shot at an Oscar, but to not even make the shortlisted top 9? I'm reminded of Harvey Weingard leaning over to tell Ari Gold after Medellin's flop at Cannes: "It ain't easy making a movie." [WSJ]

Corollary: This is a very telling quote from director Zhang Yimou:

Asked why he chose to film “Flowers”–based on a novel by Yan Geling–when so many films had already been made about the Japanese occupation of Nanjing, Mr. Zhang said it was because good stories have become difficult to find in China. “Good writers have all been signed away by the big companies,” he said, citing the rapid growth and industrialization of Chinese film.”

"Freedom." Below is a blog post by Eric Abrahamsen of Paper Republic reproduced in toto:

How to feel like a complete noob at the Chinese internet:

Step One: Browse weibo. Notice heated discussions about something called 目田, which apparently means "eye field". Have the vague feeling that you're not getting the joke.

Step Two: Finally catch on that 目田 (eye field) is just 自由 (freedom), with bits missing.

If only the internet censors were this slow…

Now click over to Paper Republic to give that excellent site its deserved pageview.

Headline says it all (not really). "Fake petitioners offered free rides home." [China Daily Show]

And the original Daily Show: On Foxconn. [dGenerate Films]

A Spring Festival Story. "I’m amused by the annual Ayi exodus. Since it’s rare to see a Beijing expat lift anything heavier than money, this seasonal retreat of our nannies, waitresses, cooks, cleaners, drivers, dry cleaners, convenience store owners, and jianbing purveyors is a useful exercise in deprivation and self-reliance…like an outward bound experience for the neo-colonialist in all of us." [Jottings from the Granite Studio]

New to the blogroll: Ministry of Tofu (really no excuse for this not being on the blogroll earlier); Hexie Farm, a Chinese blog of political cartoons (via McClatchy's China Rises blog); and ChinaB.

NON-CHINA READ: "Are we sick? Are we all sick?" The Tommy Craggs era is well on its way, and you'll rue not following it from the beginning if you don't start now. [Deadspin]

POSTSCRIPT: Welcome, readers of the Viva Vince Hamilton Yahoo! fantasy basketball league.

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